Some 1 liners and some 2 liners!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself ," they've lost the plot!! "

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you are obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter'  who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.