Funny one liners!

It’s funny how women change. I never really noticed it until I set up my hidden webcam in Top Shop.

I had a one night stand once that went horribly wrong. We’ve been married for 30 years.

I told my brother I wanted Old Spice for my birthday. Imagine my horror when I got home and saw Geri Haliwell lying naked on the couch.

I was playing football against the Mafia. The opposing goalkeeper said he’d kill me if I scored a goal. I wouldn’t put it past him.

My mate told me that he thought he was the worst vet in the world. I said “Don’t put yourself down.”

On today’s BBC news: “The Scandal of Scotland’s Battered Women.” (Jeez, and I thought they’d gone too far with the deep fried Mars Bars).

My girlfriend was dating a circus clown before we met. I suppose I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

I said to my doctor, “Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.”

My wife started horse riding to try and achieve some weight loss. It worked. The horse lost 30 lb in the first fortnight.

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow last night. First question was “What the f *ck are you looking at?”

I accidentally put diesel instead of petrol in my ex-girlfriend’s car. It was a nightmare getting it to light.

Being told you “really are one in a million” is nice. Unless of course it’s a diagnosis.

My 15 year old daughter has just banged her head. I’ll be taking her out of that school.

When I was younger I was scared of earwigs because I thought they actually lived in your ears. I was even more terrified of cockroaches.

I’ve found a website where you can send off old bits of gold chain for money. I’ll post a link later on.

Two guys knocked at my door and said “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said “Oh no! What’s he done now?”

I come from a very traditional family. My uncle hanged himself last Christmas Eve and we didn’t take his body down until the 6th of January.

I drove my daughter’s guinea pig to the vet’s this morning. (I’m really quite pleased with these new golf clubs).

My local chip shop has started using magazines instead of newspapers. I’m currently eating them out of House and Home.

It’s at times like this I recall that passage from my Bible: “Property of Carlton Hotels”.

The two differences between an oral and a rectal thermometer:- the experience and the taste.

The price of visiting Big Ben has risen to £15. If I wanted to spend that much looking at a bunch of bell ends, I’d go into the main building downstairs.

Want to make money from Facebook? It’s simple; just go into ‘Account Settings’, click on ‘Deactivate Account’ and then go and get a f *cking job.
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- Posted using BlogPress from my super-duper iPad 3
By H. Sweaty.