For anyone who has not read 5 bellies highly acclaimed form guide for the away day please see below :-
I,m seriously thinking of asking him to be co-editor of the blog... fantastic piece of work!
JOHN ALVEY; CEO OF THE FAMILY BUSINESS, ALVEYS REPUTABLE SANITATION ENTERPRISES.(A.R.S.E)
WHICH IS DOING A FINE JOB WITH THE CLUBHOUSE CLEANING CONTRACT.JOHN IS ALSO A FOUNDER MEMBER OF THE LITTLE MAN SYNDROME SOCIETY AND THIS WEEK HAS LEFT NOTHING TO CHANCE BY ORDERING A KINGSIZE COT TO SLEEP IN TO MAXIMIZE HIS CHANCES THIS WEEK. DONT DISCOUNT COULD BE A SURPRISE SMALL PACKAGE.
STEVE ALVEY; SPENT THE EARLY PART OF THE SEASON OUT INJURED HAVING BROKEN HIS GLASSES AT AN “ALAN CARR LOOKALIKE COMPETITION”(WON A WEEKS HOLIDAY TO THE GREEK ISLE OF LESBOS “CAN’T PUTT” OFFERED TO ACCOMPANY HIM BUT BIG DAVE SAID NO.ABBA FAN STEVE SAID THIS COULD BE HIS WATERLOO AND THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL BUT FORM DICTATES MORE LIKELY TO BE A DANCING QUEEN.
JOHN BRISTOW; HAIRY JOHN GROWN A NEW HAIRSTYLE THIS WEEK SWEEPING FROM THE TOP OF HIS ARSE UP HIS BACK OVER HIS HEAD COVERING HIS EVER INCREASING PENALTY SPOT.EXCITEMENT COULD BE JOHN’S DOWNFALL THIS WEEK HAVING BEEN GIVEN PERMISSION TO STAY OUT OVERNIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME DURING HIS MARRIAGE,ENGAGEMENT,COURTSHIP IN FACT LIFE.
PAUL BRYANT; LAST YEARS WINNER, REIGNING SURREY SINGLES CHAMP BRIGHTY BOY HAS BEEN HEARD SAYING HE ENJOYS PLAYING AWAY FROM HOME. POOR START TO THE SEASON FOR HIS HIGH STANDARDS.MAY NOT BE AS PREPARED AS LAST YEAR BUT IF RUMOURS ARE TRUE AND HE PLANS TO WALK THE COURSE DON’T DISCOUNT
DARREN CLUTTERBUCK; FIVE BELLIES IS CONCERNED THAT THE BUFFET AT THE HALFWAY HOUSE MAY NOT BE ENOUGH AND IS TAKING SANDWICHES ALONG.COULD BE IN TROUBLE AS TRAVELLING WITH THE KRANKIES AND MAY BE FORCED TO PARTAKE IN A LITTLE LIQUID REFRESHMENT PRE TOURNAMENT.
DAVE COOK; THE POSTMAN AS HE IS JOKINGLY REFERRED TO BY HIS MATES REEVESY AND EL TEL. (HE USED TO BE A POSTMAN THEIR WITTISM KNOWS NO BOUNDS).GOOD FORM THIS SEASON CONTENDING IN CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP.HOWEVER WITH THE AMOUNT OF WATER AT THE VENUE MAY NEED AN ABACUS TO HELP COUNT
GERRY CORR; THE NOT SO HANDSOME SWEATY SPENT THE LAST WEEK PRACTISING AT A WARM WEATHER TRAINING CAMP IN THE COSTA’S.WHILE THERE CAME SECOND IN A BEAUTY CONTEST A PREGNANT WARTHOG WON IT.ONE OF TWO OF OUR MEMBERS WHO ARE MEMBERS OF THE GAY TENNIS CLUB, DUE TO THIS STRUGGLING TO FIND A ROOMMATE,CAMPAIGNER FOR SHARED SHOWER FACILITIES.FORM BOYNE-OUT,SALVER-OUT,SURREY SINGLES SOON TO BE OUT NEED I SAY MORE.
TERRY CROUCHER; EL TEL WHATEVER HAPPENS ON THE DAY SHIT COURSE,TOO LONG,POOR GREENS,HORRIBLE FOOD,RUDE STAFF,EXPENSIVE DRINKS WE CAN ALL RELAX SAVE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT EL TEL WILL NEVER WHINGE OR COMPLAIN.COULD WIN BUT MORE LIKELY HIS THOUGHTS WILL BE ON SPENDING THE NIGHT WITH HIS BUDDY REEVESY.
PAUL CUNNINGHAM; SLICEY’S FORM HAS BEEN PATCHY AT BEST THIS SEASON.WITH A RECENT LEG INJURY THE CAPTAIN DROPPED PAUL FROM THE SEVENS REMARKING IF HE WAS A HORSE WE WOULD HAVE SHOT HIM.SLICEY’S HAS SINCE BEEN RE-INSTATED TO THE SEVENS TEAM AND THE CAPTAIN WAS RIGHT THEY SHOULD HAVE SHOT HIM.EACH WAY CHANCE
PETER DALY; TWO RECENT WINS FOR ARTHUR MEANS THE HANDICAPPER HAS CAUGHT HIM UP. A WIN HERE WOULD SUMISE SOME DODGY DEALING WITH THE HANDICAP COMMITTEE GOING ON
ALAN DAY; LONESOME AL MIGHT FIND THE COURSE A BIT CROWED FOR HIS LIKING.NEW WHITE DRIVER IN THE BAG THIS WEEK SHOULD STAY IN THE BAG ALONG WITH HIS REVOLUTIONARY TWO-PIECE WEDGE. QUIRKY INDIVIDUAL, CAPABLE OF WINNING HERE THIS WEEK HOWEVER LIKE HIS HORSE , STAMINA DOUBTS, MIGHT NOT STAY.
STEVE DELARGE; CHANCELLOR IS IN MOURNING THIS FOR THE MONEY GOING OVER THE WOKEFIELD BAR RATHER THAN HIS !! SORRY OURS. NEW SECOND HAND DRIVER HAS GIVEN CONFIDENCE COULD GO CLOSE. HOWEVER THE MONEY HE IS SPENDING ON THE DAY MAY PLAY ON HIS MIND (OUR MONEY).
VINCE FANNING; SUFFERING FROM REPETITIVE STRESS SYNDROME IN HIS FINGERS DUE TO HIS RELENTLESS IDS (INTERNET DATING SCENE) AND POOR EYE SIGHT AGAIN LINKED TO THE INTERNET, VINCE’S MIND MAY BE SOMEWHERE ELSE. MOST LIKELY TO ASK OUT ANY FEMALE STAFF AT THE VENUE.
DAVE GESTO; BIG DAVE WHERE’S IT ALL GONE WRONG POOR FORM LOSS IN THE BOYNE NOT ALLOWED TO GO TO BIRKDALE.THEN WE FIND OUT BIG DAVE AND MRS DAVE HAVE BOUGHT A HOUSE, A MORTGAGE, CO-HABITING YOUR LIFE IS OVER BYE BYE DAVE.CHANCES.
STEVE GILBERT; THE MOST LOVED MAN IN THE FIELD, IF IT WAS A POPULARITY CONTEST THE REST OF US NEED NOT TURN UP. HAD SO MANY OFFERS OF ROOM PARTNERS, DECIDED NOT TO STAY AS NOT TO UPSET ANYONE.
PAUL GRAHAM; SECRETARY OF THE CLUB DURING ITS MOST SUCCESSFUL PERIOD EVER, TWO SEVENS VICTORIES IN THREE YEARS CAN BE PUT DOWN TO PAUL’S VITAL CONTRIBUTION. NOW HE HAS STEPPED DOWN FROM THE ROLE, IF HE HAS PUT SIMILAR TIME AND EFFORT INTO HIS GAME HE MUST GO CLOSE.
ALEX GREGORY; HARD TO SPOT WHEN STANDING BEHIND THE FLAGSTICK, SHAGGY WEARS SIZE 14 GOLF SHOES WITH LEAD WEIGHTS IN THEM TO HOLD HIM DOWN IN A SLIGHT BREEZE. ALWAYS CONTENDS , CONSITENTLY IN THE SHAKE UP
STEVE GUDGE; MORE ELUSIVE THEN THE PIMPERNEL THIS GARDENER MAY WIN I DONT KNOW, STILL HAVN’T MET ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN HIM PLAY.
JOHN HURLEY; SPACE CADETS MIND MAY NOT BE ON THE TASK IN HAND DUE TO HIS UPCOMING NUPTIALS,BUT SCHIZO JOHN SAID DONT WORRY MY OTHER MIND IS IN GREAT WORKING ORDER NOW THAT MY DADDY IS COMING ALONG TO LOOK AFTER ME.
DAVE INGOLD; GIVEN TIME OFF FROM HIS MIDGET DANCE TROOP , BUDDHA MAY FIND HIS HICKORY SHAFTED CLUBS OUT OF DATE. FORM GUIDE NOT SEEN ON THE COURSE SINCE BEFORE THE WAR.
KEVIN INGOLD; SON OF BUDDHA, LONG OVER DUE TO THE WINNERS ENCLOSURE, RECENT FORM SUGGEST’S THATS THE WAY ITS GOING TO STAY. MORE LIKELY TO SPEND HIS TIME TAPPING UP WOKEFIELD MEMBERS FOR SOME WORK.
BRIAN KEABLE; THE MOST POPULAR CAPTAIN SINCE STEVE GILBERT, INSTRUMENTAL IN THE PLANNING OF THE EVENT SO LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE HE DOES WILL RUN LIKE CLOCKWORK. FAVOURITE TO LOSE MOST BALLS DUE TO HIS NEW HIGH TECH DESIGNER WHITE HEADED STICK. WINNER OF THE MOST NICKNAMES IN THE CLUB, WILDTHING, THE STIG AND EVIL MCKEABLE JUST TO NAME A FEW.
TIM LIDDINGTON; TEE- TOTAL, DEEPLY RELIGIOUS MAN, ANTI GAMBLING CAMPAIGNER WILL SPEND MOST OF HIS TIME TRYING TO PERSUADE OTHERS NOT TO HAVE A FLUTTER. MAKER OF LONESOMES REVOLUTIONARY TWO PIECE WEDGE. COULD SURPRISE.
DOUGIE MALCOLM; MULTI LINGUAL KRANKIE, SCOTTISH, FOUL AND UTTER SHIT BEING JUST THREE OF HIS LANGUAGES, HAS BEEN KNOWN TO SWEAT UP BEFORE A BIG EVENT PROBABLY WILL BE TOO ENIBRIATED TO FIGURE HERE.
STEWART MALCOLM; ELDER OF THE KRANKIES, KNOWN TO HAVE VISITED THE COURSE ON NUMEROUS OCCASSIONS, INSIDE KNOWLEDGE COULD BE INVALUABLE HOWEVER FONDNESS OF APPLE JUICE, INDIGESTION REMEDIES AND JPS COULD BE HIS DOWN FALL.
KEVIN MARSHALL; TAX MAN KEVIN NOT STAYING THE NIGHT HIS WIFE WONT LET HIM BUT STILL CLAIMING IT ON EXPENSES, WILL NEED A MAJOR CHANGE OF FORTUNE TO COMPETE THIS WEEK, PERHAPS A CHANGE OF GRIP, STANCE, CLUBS AND BALLS WOULD HELP BUT BEST BET TAKE UP FISHING.
DARREN MATTHEWS; THIS ROOFER HITS THE HEIGHTS OF THE LOWEST HANDICAP IN THE COMPETITION, SHOULD HAVE THE GAME TO DO CLOSE HERE. ONE CONCERN COULD BE “SOCIETY GOLF “ TAKING UP TO FIVE HOURS A ROUND THIS COULD UPSET DARREN’S RHYTHM.
STEVE MACDONALD;BIG HITTING HAD A FARM, KNOWN AS ONE OF THE GREAT JOKE TELLERS OF OUT TIME (HIS HOOVER ANECDOTE WILL GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE BEST OF ALL TIME) BEEN VERY QUIET SINCE LAST YEARS ASHES APPARENTLY A CRUSHING DEFEAT FOR THE ARROGANT AUSSIES.
MARTIN MCENROY; PANTS IS HUNGRY FOR SUCCESS HE IS LONG OVERDUE AND THIS COULD BE HIS DAY TO DELIVER, RUMOURS THE ONLY DELIVERY THAT CONCERNS HIM ARE PIZZA’S ARE FALSE, CHINESE, INDIAN AND ITALIANS ALSO WELCOME.
BRIAN REEVES; HOW WILL REEVESY MANAGE WITHOUT MRS REEVES. HE WILL BE GETTING DRESSED BACK TO FRONT AND WEARING ODD SHOES, FORTUNATELY HE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER BY EL TEL, MAKING SURE HE WASHES BEHIND HIS EARS AND UNDER HIS ARMS. EXPECT TO BE IN BED BY 8.30 WITH EL TEL.
MALCOLM RYDER; UNDOUBTABLY ONE OF THE FAVOURITES, CONSIDERING SLASHER CHOSE THE VENUE, HAS PLAYED THE VENUE AND CHANGED THE DATE OF THE EVENT TO SUIT HIS HOLIDAYS,(NO THOUGHT OF THE ROYAL WIMBLEDON FIXTURE) HE MUST FANCY HIS CHANCES
ANDY RUMBOLD; FIRST VISIT TO THE AWAY DAY DUE TO WORK COMMITTMENTS (HIS SPOUSE WONT LET HIM HAVE A DAY OFF) GENEROUS TO A FAULT AND IN HIS KEENESS TO BE FIRST AT THE BAR MAY RUSH THOSE LAST CRUCIAL SHOTS, COULD COST HIM.
SEAN SMITH; THOUGHTFUL AND CAREFUL IN WHAT HE SAYS, BUNGALOW HAS THE RESPECT OF THE REST OF THE FIELD, ONLY STILL A MEMBER FOR HIS OUT OF DATE PIES AND PASTIES. SHANKS COULD LET HIM DOWN. MAY NOT MAKE MONDAY AS LADY GAGA MIGHT NEED A SHIT.
TREVOR SOUTER; THE CLUB JESTER, THIS LAUGH A MINUTE JOKER IS RELENTLESS IN HIS GAMES AND PRACTICAL JOKES, NEEDS TO TAKE HIS GAME A LOT MORE SERIOUS HERE TO BE A CONTENDER.
ALAN TAYLOR; NO DOUGH, NO ONE HAS WON MORE THIS SEASON UNFORTUNATELY FOR NO DOUGH ITS THE CNUT TROPHY. NO DOUGH SAID HE IS FED UP WITH THIS NO DOUGH NICK NAME AND ONLY LAST WEEK HIS GIRLFRIEND GAVE HIM TWO WHOLE POUNDS SO HE COULD HAVE SOME PORK SCRATCHINGS WITH HIS OJ AND LEMONADE.
???????????????; THREE SUPER INJUNCTIONS WHICH PREVENT ME FROM NAMING THIS COMPETITOR HAVE BEEN LODGED AT THE HIGH COURT HOWEVER I CAN REVEAL THAT A EASTERN EUROPEAN GYMNAST, A THAI TRANSEXUAL AND RABID CAT CALLED MOLLIE ARE ALL WAITING IN THE WINGS TO SELL THEIR KISS AND TELL STORIES TO VARIOUS HIGH BROW NEWSPAPERS. HOWEVER I DONT EXPECT THIS TO EFFECT HIS PERFORMANCE.
KEITH WARD; CAN’T PUTT IS THE SECOND MEMBER OF THE GAY TENNIS CLUB ALONG WITH THE NOT SO HANDSOME SWEATY. CAN’T PUTT IS HARD TO FANCY HERE WITHOUT A GIMP MASK AND POPPERS.
KEITH WILLIAMS; NO ONE SPENDS MORE TIME AT THE PRACTISE AREA SOME SAY ITS ORNITHOLOGY.DEPENDS WHICH KEITH TURNS UP THE LEFT HANDER OR THE RIGHT HANDER TO SEE WHICH WAY THE DIVOTS FLY.
NON RUNNERS;
DAVE MEAGHER;BEEN SUMMONED TO FLORIDA TO GET TIGER’S GAME BACK ON TRACK,WHILE THERE OFF TO CAMP DAVID TO ADVISE OBAMA ON HOME AFFAIRS AND HOW TO COMBAT THE UNREST IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
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